A Veteran’s Guide to American Patriotism
November 5, 2013
In this Post 9/11 America of political faction it has become difficult to establish what it means to be a patriotic American. It is with this understanding of frustration that I, a military veteran and American Patriot, write to you this day. My hopes are not only to express the value of patriotism in these trying times in America but to outline how you can become a patriotic member of our national society, become a shining beacon of hope and the American Dream. In the five years I served in the United States Marine Corps, and was thirteen month deployment to support of the occupation of Iraq. I have experienced first-hand the majesty of the United States shining through the dark shadow cast upon her by the divisionists of the September 11 Attacks; and splendid victories in the subjugation of the two nations responsible. Former Representative Steve Buyer said “America's veterans embody the ideals upon which America was founded more than 229 years ago.” It is this embodiment that I wish to instill in your hearts and minds, the unshakeable and unquestioning nationalism that is at the core of every American Patriot.
To preserve our American society, which is the sole objective of the American Patriot, we must remain divided. This is why it is important for every American to choose a political party to be affiliated with in elections. In reality, your political affiliation does not need to be a reflection of your personal ethos, for it serves a much larger purpose than the individual American. Political divisiveness maintains the power in the elected officials, which is important for America’s preservation, and the sovereignty of our beautiful democracy. For example, a good, patriotic member of the Democratic Party will never question the capabilities and policies of their government so long as their party is in control of the administration. In addition, members of any other political party in America, such as a Republican beneath the reign of a Democratic president, has no need to rally against the presiding party; they just have to wait for the next election and hope and pray to Providence that their party may be favored in His divine wisdom.
The belief in God is likewise extremely important to the American Patriot. Although the specific god a patriot believes in is irrelevant such as is with political affiliation. It is important that we maintain the idea that God favors America over any other nation on the planet, or any planet for that matter. Despite origins in other countries and time periods in human history, Buddha, Allah, Elohim, Odin, Athena, Ra, et cetera, all became American July 4, 1776. Once this is understood we can believe wholeheartedly that God is one hundred percent in support of American policy and ideals whether they are domestic or abroad. Notwithstanding, even one disapproves of the actions of an opposite party, they can still believe that America does not make any mistakes, because God does not make mistakes.
Regardless of the political party or god you choose, it is important for a patriotic American to maintain a faith and trust in our elected officials. They are the cornerstone of our wholesome and beautiful republic. Even if at times they appear to do things that are not in tune with our beloved Constitution, remember that everything they do is for the best interest of the American people and to safeguard our wellbeing. Sometimes our elected officials must do things that we may not agree with such as spying on even the most patriotic Americans, or imprisoning protesters for not being patriotic enough. This is why we have elected officials. They have been through years of school to become educated enough to make decisions on our behalf, without having to lower themselves to our status in order to make decisions that best suit us. Many of them, such as the Bush family, have political office running through their veins as their family have held positions of power and influence including successful bankers and businessmen, across generations the family includes two U.S. Senators, one Supreme Court Justice, two Governors and two Presidents (one of the two presidents also served as Vice President). We must honor and respect our elected officials and our ruling class as they have proven, even among scandals that they are the most fit to rule.
Let us now reflect on America’s “Greatest Generation” of patriots and what it was that made them great. These Americans grew up through and survived the Great Depression, which was caused by a massive lack of American patriotism as the people rebelled against the policies of our great government through bootlegging and treasonous consumption of alcohol during America’s prohibition. Triumph over the depression was witnessed in the simultaneous triumph over the evil Axis Powers of World War II. Thanks to America’s might of the Greatest Generation who won the Second War to End All Wars.
Therefore, belief and support for America’s military might is one of the most important characteristics of an American Patriot. This generation not only won overseas with rifle in hand, to support the soldiers, civilians picked up hammers and wrenches to build bombs and warships. Not only did America’s military go to war to defeat the evil threatening American freedom, her entire people waged war like Ancient Sparta. It is America’s ability to defeat and terrorize her enemies that makes her great like so many great empires before her. The Roman Empire, Nation of Israel in Antiquity, the Babylon of Nebuchadnezzar, and the Greek conquests of Alexander the Great are among the strongest empires to have ever existed. However, America stands alone as the strongest having invaded more than seventy countries in two hundred years, and a combined death toll of twenty-seven million from Apache to Afghan in defense of American Freedom. It is not without the support of the patriotic American that this number is possible.
It is not easy being an American Patriot. However with our nuclear and drone technology it is much easier to be for her than against her. The history of America is gilded in the blood of kings and tyrants so that her message of peace, freedom, and hope may long endure. This message, which strikes fear into those people and nations who wish to undo her greatness, cannot be sent without the role of the patriot. And so we must believe, we must pray, and we must fight to defend the American blood, red as the rocket’s glare, gallantly streaming through our veins.
Tectonically Tanked
October 9, 2013
Studies have shown that the majority of Americans consume alcohol regularly at 66%. Of those, 22% admit to often consuming more alcohol than they should. Many of us have had that one-drink-too-many, and the results of that drink are never remembered, long forgotten, or forever regretted. This drink may cause adverse effects on the brain, body and judgment. At times, it has caused me to relate thoughts or feeling to someone that I didn’t mean or wanted to remain hidden. However, for the regular inebriate, there is always a chance of alcohol causing a short term or long lasting positive experience, such as a memorable (if you can remember), fun time with friends or family, or maybe even a lasting epiphany. Winston Churchill said “I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” Now this story is in no way meant to condone heavy consumption of alcohol, or the consumption itself. That being said, I once received these words of advice from Master Sergeant Mark Bradley while I was stationed at Marine Corps Air Base New River: “Take everything in moderation, including moderation.” In 2005 I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. A significant and life changing decision itself, however, it was the manner in which I left that would play the most pivotal role in my time in the service, and the person I am now.
I remember good friend Shauna Durbin sending me a text message in late November, 2005 inviting me to her 18th birthday party. I was scheduled to leave for Marine Corps boot camp training very early the next morning. Shauna’s text was answered with a phone call explaining that I was leaving early the next morning and that I would love to see her before leaving for the Marines, as well as any mutual friend that may be there. Unfortunately due to my early trip the next morning I wouldn’t be able to stay late. I would though, as I expressed on the phone, come early to make the most of our time. Shauna was overcome with excitement and articulated how happy she was with my decision to join the Marines and how proud she was of me for making it. Shauna also informed me that some friends of hers in the Marines stationed south of us at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, CA were going to be at the party. This was exciting to me as the only Marines I had meant till this point were my recruiters and our relationship had been strictly business. I thought this would be a wonderful opportunity to interact with some active duty Marines in a more casual, and free environment to learn things about being a Marine that the recruiters weren’t willing to share. We both hung up the phone and I continued with my day wrapping up loose ends before leaving home, seemingly for good. It was now time to leave for the party.
I proceeded to pick up my girlfriend and some other close friends to go to the birthday party. With me were my girlfriend Rachael and my close friends Steve and Daryl. All good friends of mine I wanted to spend time with before leaving the next day, all friends of Shauna as well. I had been to Shauna’s house many times as it is near the high school we all went to. However, the party was at Shauna’s friend’s house in the ritzier southern tip of Orange County, CA in Laguna Niguel. This was before it was commonplace to have GPS or map applications in cell phones, but we still found it nonetheless utilizing some good old-fashioned road maps. The party your typical high-school-coming-of-age party: Alcohol, music, storytelling, etc. What started as a birthday party for Shauna quickly became a dual celebration for Shauna’s birthday, and a going away party for me. The party was dense and was in full swing when I got to meet Shauna’s Marine friends but they chose to remain very vague on the intricacies regarding what it is like to be the Marines. After serving myself, I now see that it can be difficult to describe what it is or how it feels to be a Marine to someone who has no idea what it is like, but at the time I recall it being a bit frustrating at the time. It was during this part of the evening when the alcohol consumed was beginning to hit me all at once. I began to vocalize to anyone that needed to know, especially my girlfriend Rachael that I was too drunk and needed to sober up as I had a big, life changing day to follow. During this time things went from bad to worse, rapidly. What would soon be revealed to my girlfriend may have saved my life that night. Knowing the severity of my drunkenness, I had been asking people to bring me glasses of water to sober up. The Marines were instead bringing me glasses of straight Vodka. I was too drunk at the time to notice the difference between water and Vodka. I was alert and conscience yet now incapable of standing on my own power. It was Rachael who made the executive decision that it was in my best interest if I was removed from that party as soon as possible. Aided by Steve and Daryl, I was taken to the car that Rachael was capable of driving. The plan: Take me to my recruiter’s house to sober up before leaving for boot camp. Unfortunately, I was the only person who knew how to get there. I was able to provide the recruiter’s address yet was unable to articulate the directions. It was at this time Rachael decided she would call my dad for help. Rachael pulled the car over and got out; she pulled me out of the car as well as she was convinced I was ready to vomit. Now she was on the phone with my father trying to establish where we were and where we needed to go as well as explaining to my father the extent of my condition, and our geographic predicament. With her other hand she was holding me up straight. I slipped out of her grasp. It was later described to me that I fell to the ground like a plank of wood, rigid and straight. Steve confessed that in his head he yelled the word “timber!” In response to how I fell. Falling on my face on to a cement curb I chipped three teeth and bruised my right eye. Several hours and miles later, Rachael, my father, my recruiter, and I rendezvoused at the recruiting station. The sun was just now breaking the horizon. My eye was swollen completely shut. I was still very intoxicated. The recruiter took one look at my eye, one whiff of the alcohol seeping out of my pores and informed my dad and me that I am unfit to leave for boot camp. My ship out date was then postponed for one week later when my eye would be opened back up. My dad now began to take me home, by way of breakfast where he laid on me some fatherly advice on responsibility over omelets and coffee. I left for boot camp the following seven days later.
What is important to know about the Marine Corps is Marines are sent to various stations of duty as the need for those Marines arise. This is significant because had I shipped out the day I was supposed to, more than likely I would not have been stationed at 2D Marine Division, Camp Lejeune, NC after boot camp training. However this is where I was stationed after completing training which I started exactly one week from my original ship date. The difference in one week meant a difference in the unit I would be sent to. It was 2D Mar. Div. that I would deploy with for 13 months in the rural part of Al Anbar, Iraq in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom 07-08. The things I did overseas, the things I saw, the Marines I served with, those who lived, those who died, forever changed me and the course of my existence. It has changed me in new ways I discover every day. I cannot help but think about where I may have been stationed had I left for boot camp when originally planned, and how the course of my life would have been affected.
There are mistakes we all make in life. Some of these mistakes are within our control to prevent, others not. Many of my mistakes are far from regrettable. As a man who seems to always learn better that hard way, every mistake I make comes with a lesson learned; lessons and character development that I believe makes me better, and keeps me from repeating the same mistakes. Shortcomings are unavoidable, but whether these shortcomings make one a worse person, in the aftermath or a better one is all in the hands of the individual. I can truly say that the event described here was the drunkest I have ever been in my life. Although it is not a goal to ever be that drunk again, I can only hope that if I ever do, it can be just as life changing and pivotal in life, but one should never drink simply for that reason.
Dead-ication
September 14, 2013
Do you feel that stinging chill in the stale night air?
Do you fathom the toll of the ferryman's fare?
One day it will be collected
Its cost must then be detected
We are all gifted one call
With the chance to gain all
Will you stand and seize it,
Or fall down and grieve it?
What we reap is what we sow
It is the debt we all owe.
No matter how much you try
Or how profusely you cry
You are subject to you
In all the things you do
By the grace of yourself dwell
Let your love and courage swell
You have but one life to live
You have your whole life to give.
Song of the Survivors
May, 23, 2013
"All gave some, some gave all" it has been said
About those who fought and they who lay dead
But in truth we all give a little bit more
Each time a brother enters deaths door
And each time a mother's tear begins to fall,
In that drop reflects the grief of one and all
For us who survived to stand tall with pride,
A part of us with the fallen died inside
With every brother lost we carry a mark
Invisible to most, but felt by all who lasted the dark.
And though we've stepped back into the light
A piece of us remains with those taken by the night
"War is Hell" we've been told times again,
And that Hell follows all who's lost a friend.
Photo by Shane Keller
Hollow Point
April 18, 2012
A man decided he was done,
And pulled the trigger on his gun.
The bullet tore through his head,
Police arrived, pronounced him dead
"The funeral was short and sweet"
Family members began to Tweet
Dressed in black they came and went
Till the reception food was spent.
As if nothing was wrong
The guests were quickly gone
For half a day time stood still
Honoring whom made his blood spill
But tomorrow is Sunday,
And the next day Monday,
So forget about the pain, Forget about the loss,
And worry about the email from your boss.
For our victim's been so consecrated
Nevermind the mother devastated
And forget the spirit about,
Frustrated with all the damn and doubt,
Haunting the place brains painted,
The walls forever tainted
On that wall rest your head in sadness
With our ghost in eternal madness
Long Last Lust
November 21, 2012
That knock knock knocking at the door
That arousing sound I've heard before
I knew what awaited me there,
Those pursing lips and lustful stare
You didn't wait for the door to open
Once unlocked you bursted in
Throwing your coat upon the floor,
Your stiletto heels kicking closed the door.
There you advanced on me like an agent of desire
Fishnet clad legs and eyes full of fire,
Me to the ground your hands bid
And across me your body slowly slid
I could feel the heat from your most private places,
While we locked our lips, tongues and faces,
With eager hands I unhooked your brazier,
Kissing and moaning in your silken soft ear
Your breasts release onto my chest,
Grouping there like their long lost nest
My hands move up your thighs, ass, to your back
Again to your ass with a firm, hard smack
A cry of pain and pleasure leaves your lips
As you start grinding me with your hips
You move your pelvis up as your tits grace against my face
And from your body I remove the last of the lace.
You feel my hardness against your slit
While my tongue dances against your tit
Then with one firm back from you hips
I enter your body as it slowly drips
You begin to move in rhythm and speed
As sweat from your brow and bosom begin to bead
You moan and groan with each thrust
As we lay together in sin and lust
Lips still locked you begin to scream
With passion and pleasure you begin to gleam
I grab your hair pulling you back in
I roll you over, me still deep within
I take over the rhythm I take over your pleasure,
Your breasts bounce with each thrusting measure
You wrap you arms around my neck
Your legs cross around my back
You moan and scream then you shiver
As you come your body starts to quiver
With a loud barrage of scream
You and I both start to cream
As I melt inside you I slowly collapse against
As your entire body begins to convulse and tense,
I roll over beside you holding you close and then,
You turn to me and say, "Wanna go again?"
181
December 10, 2011
Is there purpose to this world?
A meaning to my my word?
Is there a point to all this crying?
A reason for the hate and dying?
Am I to work for your wages?
while love and tolerance lies trapped in cages?
Or is there something more to this life?
Than this bullet and this knife?
Is there a tangible value to love?
Is it truly a gift from god above?
Or is it something mortals can choose?
Deep within for us to use?
These are the questions that burn to my core
Wishing, hoping for something more
Hoping that love is worth living,
Wishing that life is worth loving.
Painting the Roses Red
April 10, 2011
Now I paint the world with my blood and brains
Leaving an epitaph of dark red stains
As it dribbles down the side
Know this urge I couldnt hide
Don't feel guilty or sad for me
I created my own tragedy
This wasnt your fault or mess
I just couldn't bear the lonliness
The was no pain, their was no fear
Like me you shouldn't shed a single tear
For year by year I died a little each day
So I had long been dead before today
I had to escape this sorrow
It couldn't wait til tomorrow
Now I'll never againg endure a lonely night
With a corpse on my left and a corpse on my right
They'll forever be by side for they can't leave
Just Remember this before you grieve
And though I'm gone, I'll never be lost
Now that my sadness has been tossed
Don't cry over this empty shell
One day you'll be buried as well
Leaving an epitaph of dark red stains
As it dribbles down the side
Know this urge I couldnt hide
Don't feel guilty or sad for me
I created my own tragedy
This wasnt your fault or mess
I just couldn't bear the lonliness
The was no pain, their was no fear
Like me you shouldn't shed a single tear
For year by year I died a little each day
So I had long been dead before today
I had to escape this sorrow
It couldn't wait til tomorrow
Now I'll never againg endure a lonely night
With a corpse on my left and a corpse on my right
They'll forever be by side for they can't leave
Just Remember this before you grieve
And though I'm gone, I'll never be lost
Now that my sadness has been tossed
Don't cry over this empty shell
One day you'll be buried as well
Photo by Cassy Marie
Liberty for Libya (Run Gaddafi Run)
March 30, 2011
Just like Forrest better run Gaddafi run
Your days on earth are numbered and done
Your people have spoken and and thundered
To take back the land you've blundered
And the word will stand by and wonder
while your people toil to sunder
From your iron fist and iron grip
Sick and tired of your power trip
There's a new generation since you took throne
Now they're red to call Libya their own
As they've read about the American and French Revolutions
They know they're empowered with their own solutions
To be rid of tyrants and rid of warlords
On deaf ears now fall your words
The Tree of Liberty will be planted in Tripoli's mud
And your people will water it with their sweat and your blood
You may run but you can not hide
From the spirit of those murdered and died
For they inspire the people and haunt your lands
Echoing those executed at your fascist hands
A new generation cries out for emancipation
From your self righteous condemnation
Your days being "King of Kings" are done
All you can do now is run Gaddafi run
Take My Hand
March 9, 2011
Come I'll show you the scars on my chest
If you like I can show you all the rest
You can show me yours someday
Maybe tomorrow, maybe today
That there maybe sorrow no more
Abandoning the fright inside we store
No more sadness, no more misunderstanding
No more madness now that reason is landing
Take my hand and we'll leave these fears
Take my cloth and we'll dry those tears
Come walk with me out of this despair
Walking together into the fresh air
Into the golden, warming sun
Undoing all the wrong that's been done
Let's join forces on a mission of heart
And build what no man can tear apart
Let us make bricks of splendor
Building a new city that's grander
Where we can be safe from loneliness
Where we can create our own holiness
Free from those who hate and judge
Free from any debt or grudge
Come Take my hand and let us build an empire
With love and compassion unto the highest spire
Walk with me and we'll form a team
Run with me and we'll build a dream
Never After
March 5, 2011
I'm in tears
Over these fears
Fear of neglect
The wound you detect
Fear of the vulnerability
The fear of accessibility
Into my mind and soul
Into the expensive toll
It costs to love and hold
And in return be told
To tear down this built wall
To give up everything and all
That I've suffered to achieve
The product of my grieve
That I may open myself to strife
For an acceptable life
That I can be that man
Who extends his hand
For something that may be there
But is mostly thin air
That I cannot grasp, how hard I try
Just makes me want to give up and die
Over these fears
Fear of neglect
The wound you detect
Fear of the vulnerability
The fear of accessibility
Into my mind and soul
Into the expensive toll
It costs to love and hold
And in return be told
To tear down this built wall
To give up everything and all
That I've suffered to achieve
The product of my grieve
That I may open myself to strife
For an acceptable life
That I can be that man
Who extends his hand
For something that may be there
But is mostly thin air
That I cannot grasp, how hard I try
Just makes me want to give up and die
The Monster
February 17, 2011
With its claws plunged deep into my chest
It slays me like it has all the rest
Never safe from its endearing charm
Never safe from its ability to harm
And all the while I try to trick
As fate's clocks tok and tick
I thought I was safe and protected
It's peril upon me I've always rejected
I've faced it before in the dark
Then it gave me its painful mark
I walked away many times from its snare
Yet always bearing from it a new scar
This time it hurts deeper than the rest
As it rips and filets into my chest
Its razor talons leaves a gaping gash
While everything I touch turns to ash
Its poison venom infects me through
Yet still all I can think of is you
The serpent who used to leave by now
Continues to rip from toe to brow
I've walked away from many attack
But now I fear I wont look back
Is this the end of those royal blue skies?
My brain slows down as it slowly dies
And in this moment of pain and sorrow
All I can wish is for your hand to borrow
In anguish, I suffer, in toil, I fear
Just one wish left for you to be near
Lets suffer together, for the short rest of our lives
As we go hand in hand under this creature's knives
It slays me like it has all the rest
Never safe from its endearing charm
Never safe from its ability to harm
And all the while I try to trick
As fate's clocks tok and tick
I thought I was safe and protected
It's peril upon me I've always rejected
I've faced it before in the dark
Then it gave me its painful mark
I walked away many times from its snare
Yet always bearing from it a new scar
This time it hurts deeper than the rest
As it rips and filets into my chest
Its razor talons leaves a gaping gash
While everything I touch turns to ash
Its poison venom infects me through
Yet still all I can think of is you
The serpent who used to leave by now
Continues to rip from toe to brow
I've walked away from many attack
But now I fear I wont look back
Is this the end of those royal blue skies?
My brain slows down as it slowly dies
And in this moment of pain and sorrow
All I can wish is for your hand to borrow
In anguish, I suffer, in toil, I fear
Just one wish left for you to be near
Lets suffer together, for the short rest of our lives
As we go hand in hand under this creature's knives
Harder, Faster
February 11, 2011
Whips and chain
Just a hint of pain
You’ve become a slave to fire
Submitted to carnal desire
Now you lay naked there
As I grab you by the hair
Beating you down
Round after round
The rope cuts into your wrist
Yet you can’t seem to resist
With every lash I’m thrilled
The human inside you slowly killed
You wince with discomfort and pain
Yet every thought of escape you abstain
You’ve become my little whore
Yet you beg for more and more
You bring me such pleasure
Gratifying me beyond measure
Yet you drip with gladness
Satisfying my sadist madness
Enslaved to my relief,
Addicted to your grief
Accompanying every scream of vexation
Comes a moan of bliss and elation
The more I satisfy my sin
The more it please you within
“Harder!” you scream to me
Even bound you seem to command me
You take my wrath naked and bruised
Yet now I feel I’m the one being used
“Harder! Faster!” you cry to be abused
And now you appear to be the one amused
As you command each stroke and swing
The Master appears to become the thing
The thing that brings you pleasure through pain
That keeps the masochist sane
And you call out “Harder! Faster!”
The slave has become the Master
Hearkening the Darkening
February 4, 2011
This blinding light,
This binding fright
Of saintly delights
On sinful nights
Where I drown my sorrow
Where I frown the morrow
To reveal these holy rashes
And turn dreams to coaly ashes
A wrecking ball to my dreams
A Wake up call that screams
And all times to sit a pray
All dies this darkened day
Beneath these blackened rays
Upon this hackened face
And emerges the morning
From converges of mourning
This is the birth of your demon
From contempt and hate's semen
That you've spewed from your mouths
Kicked in my door into my house
Retaliation is nigh
Tribulation will die
The Past has passed
And we've amassed
To propose a new story
To depose your own glory
And when the son has set
You will then run and fret
For your lies will have ceased
And then the flies will feast
This binding fright
Of saintly delights
On sinful nights
Where I drown my sorrow
Where I frown the morrow
To reveal these holy rashes
And turn dreams to coaly ashes
A wrecking ball to my dreams
A Wake up call that screams
And all times to sit a pray
All dies this darkened day
Beneath these blackened rays
Upon this hackened face
And emerges the morning
From converges of mourning
This is the birth of your demon
From contempt and hate's semen
That you've spewed from your mouths
Kicked in my door into my house
Retaliation is nigh
Tribulation will die
The Past has passed
And we've amassed
To propose a new story
To depose your own glory
And when the son has set
You will then run and fret
For your lies will have ceased
And then the flies will feast
Photo by Jason Hernandez
My Apologies...
Written July 7th, 2010
And now I sit here in silence,
a selfish attempt of a guilty penance
For it was me with my words I was too bold
That I rendered a gorgeous flame from hot to cold
For my mind isn't that sharp, my pen that strong
In my praise of her I had done nature wrong,
I tried to put her creation into my talents prison
And my words could not justify Nature's vision
Of this Angel on earth, in front of my eyes
My corrupt fingers just couldn't head the cries
That her radiance could not measured,
Her beauty by me could not be pleasured
I failed to preach and shout of her mythical looks
Even if I could write my adoration in a thousand books
And now in failure I sit in stillness and quiet
For I have already caused Venus to riot
At my prose she and the heavens will laugh and taunt me
And So my verse will forever torment and haunt me
Begging me to never once more pick up my pen
So that never will I do her beauty vain again
But to the gods and nature I will have to ask for atone
For my hand could never leave this beautiful woman alone
It longs to feel, yet it longs to praise
Her immortal allure til the end of my days
And when the arthritis cripples my paw
and my tongue no longer can say what it saw,
I will one day be at peace with silence and death
Cause I will have spoke of her beauty with my last breath
And when that day comes, no apology will I use
But until then, my limited art can only insult my muse
And now I sit here in silence,
a selfish attempt of a guilty penance
For it was me with my words I was too bold
That I rendered a gorgeous flame from hot to cold
For my mind isn't that sharp, my pen that strong
In my praise of her I had done nature wrong,
I tried to put her creation into my talents prison
And my words could not justify Nature's vision
Of this Angel on earth, in front of my eyes
My corrupt fingers just couldn't head the cries
That her radiance could not measured,
Her beauty by me could not be pleasured
I failed to preach and shout of her mythical looks
Even if I could write my adoration in a thousand books
And now in failure I sit in stillness and quiet
For I have already caused Venus to riot
At my prose she and the heavens will laugh and taunt me
And So my verse will forever torment and haunt me
Begging me to never once more pick up my pen
So that never will I do her beauty vain again
But to the gods and nature I will have to ask for atone
For my hand could never leave this beautiful woman alone
It longs to feel, yet it longs to praise
Her immortal allure til the end of my days
And when the arthritis cripples my paw
and my tongue no longer can say what it saw,
I will one day be at peace with silence and death
Cause I will have spoke of her beauty with my last breath
And when that day comes, no apology will I use
But until then, my limited art can only insult my muse
-For JAS
July 6, 2010
It's been a thousand moons
And still she makes me swoon
She still has that angels face
And though the years kept her grace
Here again we lay, worlds apart
Yet I can't forget when I felt her heart
When we stood together hand in hand
And our passion became its own brand
We started a fire between love and addiction
And now rekindled, it has become my affliction
Yet I remember my hands upon her hips
And the taste of her sweet, sovereign lips
The softness of her skin
Her beauty within
The scent of her hair
The warmth of her there,
In my arms and in my head
With these thoughts I blush red
Hoping for the day we reunite
Wait for the day I hold her tight
Even if that day is too late
It would still be worth the wait
For this woman earth stands still
And in the end I hope we will
Share that Kiss once more
And our love shall be written lore
For this love can never sever
This love will ever be forever
For with her there is no time
And without her there is no rhyme
My inspiration and my muse
This love I'll never lose
And Though You Are Strong...
June 30, 2010
I sit here shaking, trembling
This world around me crumbling
My reality, churning, spinning,
All perception greatly thinning
This is not a test, this is not a drug
This is not an ambiguous shrug
You will not win, you're not that strong,
You will not take my soul's grand song,
I will beat you someway, somehow
And at my victory you will surely bow
You can not break me,
So come and face me,
Your hate will never take me,
Your judgement will never phase me
And though my hand will shake and my brow will sweat
Your efforts will still quake, but my heart you will not get
I'm through yielding, I'm through kneeling,
This fear know stripped from my body, peeling.
And each day I will rise a new
Proud that I have fought you through
And you will daily mourn each battle against me you have lost
And though i suffer, and though I bleed, my victory is worth the cost.
This world around me crumbling
My reality, churning, spinning,
All perception greatly thinning
This is not a test, this is not a drug
This is not an ambiguous shrug
You will not win, you're not that strong,
You will not take my soul's grand song,
I will beat you someway, somehow
And at my victory you will surely bow
You can not break me,
So come and face me,
Your hate will never take me,
Your judgement will never phase me
And though my hand will shake and my brow will sweat
Your efforts will still quake, but my heart you will not get
I'm through yielding, I'm through kneeling,
This fear know stripped from my body, peeling.
And each day I will rise a new
Proud that I have fought you through
And you will daily mourn each battle against me you have lost
And though i suffer, and though I bleed, my victory is worth the cost.
Country Song
January, 2010
Well I woke up this morning in my Sunday best
with an ache in my back and a pain in my chest
I raise myself up off the tailor floor
I could swear I've never seen this tailor before
I stand myself up and I regain my grace,
I clear my matted up hair from my dingy face
Chorus:
Well late last night I had too much to drink,
The smell of Taco Bell and vomit in the kitchen sink
Oh why Oh why couldn't I stop?
I vaguely remember hitting a cop
Well I don't quite remember how I got to this place
I look in the mirror and see my busted up face
There's blood around my mouth and I got a black eye
And if this headache doesn't leave I just might die
Chorus 2:
Well late last night I had one too many
200 bucks to start with knows all i got is a penny
Oh Why oh why does it hurt so bad?
I really don't remember how many I had
I try to recall what happened the night before,
I cant remember anything since half past 4
I look down at my clothes and see a make up stain there,
I'm starting to remember I met a cute girl named Claire
I go into the bedroom and I see Claire fast a sleep
A half-naked Free Willy so away I creep
with an ache in my back and a pain in my chest
I raise myself up off the tailor floor
I could swear I've never seen this tailor before
I stand myself up and I regain my grace,
I clear my matted up hair from my dingy face
Chorus:
Well late last night I had too much to drink,
The smell of Taco Bell and vomit in the kitchen sink
Oh why Oh why couldn't I stop?
I vaguely remember hitting a cop
Well I don't quite remember how I got to this place
I look in the mirror and see my busted up face
There's blood around my mouth and I got a black eye
And if this headache doesn't leave I just might die
Chorus 2:
Well late last night I had one too many
200 bucks to start with knows all i got is a penny
Oh Why oh why does it hurt so bad?
I really don't remember how many I had
I try to recall what happened the night before,
I cant remember anything since half past 4
I look down at my clothes and see a make up stain there,
I'm starting to remember I met a cute girl named Claire
I go into the bedroom and I see Claire fast a sleep
A half-naked Free Willy so away I creep
Photo by Sarah Green
Darkness on my Back
October 2009
"Well you wonder why i always dress in black" is what JR said,
And sang about how this dark world infected his head,
Now here's my reasons for my lack of hue
I where the dark for all of you,
for those who sit and wonder why
All those good people who had to die,
For all those who have loved and lost,
for those who have paid your cost
The cost of happiness, and the cost to have lived
And so ill do as the Highwayman did,
For every child stolen and taken,
ill wear black in the hot sun bakin'
Every poor woman who suffers a heartless rape,
Ill passionately donned a darkened cape,
For the abused and tireless sons of war,
will be remembered in all the coal i wore,
and until we start to help and love our fellow man,
you will see black gloves upon each hand
and just for that glimmer of hope that one things will be right
upon my feet, below the black, will be my shoes of white
And sang about how this dark world infected his head,
Now here's my reasons for my lack of hue
I where the dark for all of you,
for those who sit and wonder why
All those good people who had to die,
For all those who have loved and lost,
for those who have paid your cost
The cost of happiness, and the cost to have lived
And so ill do as the Highwayman did,
For every child stolen and taken,
ill wear black in the hot sun bakin'
Every poor woman who suffers a heartless rape,
Ill passionately donned a darkened cape,
For the abused and tireless sons of war,
will be remembered in all the coal i wore,
and until we start to help and love our fellow man,
you will see black gloves upon each hand
and just for that glimmer of hope that one things will be right
upon my feet, below the black, will be my shoes of white
Scribbles of Emo Bullshit
July, 2009
you've loved me you hated me,
you've torn me, you've breaked me
my heart lays smashed upon the floor
still beating, bleeding more and more
I was obsessed with you
now I'm poisoned through,
now I'm left for dead,
I cant believe this had to end
when I watched you walk away
I saw the sun die away
and now my lament is this
I have no tears to give
I have been dry for years
neither for me or you i shed tears
so now I just lay myself to rest,
I fear this is what's best,
hoping that one day I can love again
but wishing that I never can
I will painfully shove my heart back in
and lock it away never ever to give in
this cycle must cease, I cant go on,
ill reserve my heart for the bottle and a gun
you've torn me, you've breaked me
my heart lays smashed upon the floor
still beating, bleeding more and more
I was obsessed with you
now I'm poisoned through,
now I'm left for dead,
I cant believe this had to end
when I watched you walk away
I saw the sun die away
and now my lament is this
I have no tears to give
I have been dry for years
neither for me or you i shed tears
so now I just lay myself to rest,
I fear this is what's best,
hoping that one day I can love again
but wishing that I never can
I will painfully shove my heart back in
and lock it away never ever to give in
this cycle must cease, I cant go on,
ill reserve my heart for the bottle and a gun
Photo by Cassy Marie
Dear God
March, 2009
if I start believing in you,
will you start believing in me,
will you bless me on this bended knee?
in this fucked up world that i see?
or will you ignore me just like you've always done?
with this whiskey on my breath and hand upon this gun
will you dry away my tears with your created sun?
or cast shadows up my face as you turn and run?
I've tried so hard to be true to you,
and every time you've abandoned me through
and all these things I say to you,
is because you've ignored me in all you do
all I want is to be happy and free
but I cant do that when you torture me
breathing down my neck you torment me
stealing my joy away just for kicks,
you've angered me since 1986
will you start believing in me,
will you bless me on this bended knee?
in this fucked up world that i see?
or will you ignore me just like you've always done?
with this whiskey on my breath and hand upon this gun
will you dry away my tears with your created sun?
or cast shadows up my face as you turn and run?
I've tried so hard to be true to you,
and every time you've abandoned me through
and all these things I say to you,
is because you've ignored me in all you do
all I want is to be happy and free
but I cant do that when you torture me
breathing down my neck you torment me
stealing my joy away just for kicks,
you've angered me since 1986
When Lil Molly Died
March, 2009
I can't forgive you for what you've blown,
Now I'm abandoned, broken and alone,
I take amphetamines and whiskey to numb the pain,
And to escape our memories I venture out into the rain,
With my pistol in one hand, and a bottle in the other,
to drown out the pain, and the concerned cries of my mother
And as the drugs melt my wits and dumb my head,
I see little molly walking down the road and I see red
I raise that 44. And with a shaky hand I shoot her down,
And as she lays in anguish I end it with another round
When I realize what I've done,
I drop that pistol and I begin to run
I'm picked up by the county sheriff the next day,
And find out little molly would have been 14 in May,
After months in jail I go before a judge and jury
And in the air I can feel the towns anger and fury,
I hang my head and try to drown out mollys parents
Their moans and cries displays their sorrows and laments
The verdict is given, and read by the judge as his scorn fills the air,
And as I hang my head and cry, the judge says ill get the chair,
And in the crowds roar and applause I'm lead away in locks
Helpless and bound the bailiffs walk me out, me, the court still mocks
And from crowd two shots ring out, and as I slump down to the floor,
And through the darkness the last I see is Molly's daddy there in the door
Those two shots pierced my heart, but the two I put in molly pierced my soul,
And as I lay in my own cold blood, dying, thankful my pain is now forever dull
Now I'm abandoned, broken and alone,
I take amphetamines and whiskey to numb the pain,
And to escape our memories I venture out into the rain,
With my pistol in one hand, and a bottle in the other,
to drown out the pain, and the concerned cries of my mother
And as the drugs melt my wits and dumb my head,
I see little molly walking down the road and I see red
I raise that 44. And with a shaky hand I shoot her down,
And as she lays in anguish I end it with another round
When I realize what I've done,
I drop that pistol and I begin to run
I'm picked up by the county sheriff the next day,
And find out little molly would have been 14 in May,
After months in jail I go before a judge and jury
And in the air I can feel the towns anger and fury,
I hang my head and try to drown out mollys parents
Their moans and cries displays their sorrows and laments
The verdict is given, and read by the judge as his scorn fills the air,
And as I hang my head and cry, the judge says ill get the chair,
And in the crowds roar and applause I'm lead away in locks
Helpless and bound the bailiffs walk me out, me, the court still mocks
And from crowd two shots ring out, and as I slump down to the floor,
And through the darkness the last I see is Molly's daddy there in the door
Those two shots pierced my heart, but the two I put in molly pierced my soul,
And as I lay in my own cold blood, dying, thankful my pain is now forever dull
Photo by Sarah Green
And I knew the Death of Love
March, 2009
Sweating, crying, bleeding,
all happiness is fleeting
you were all I had
now gone its too bad
we could have had something great, something grand,
now my body goes cold without your hand
you say you love me you tell me you care,
yet all you've done is strip me bare,
of everything I had and all I needed,
when your true love abruptly receded
and I lay, naked and broken
on shattered dreams, tears soaked,
but these tears I shed are symbolic at best,
no true tears flow for you, your just like the rest,
who love me and leave me and tear me down,
who get to believe in beauty then let me down,
beauty is a fraud, love is just lust,
everything worth while just turns to rust
and erodes my flesh and pollutes my mind,
Thanks for the sorrow babe, your too kind
but don't worry ill be back, ill try not to grieve it
but when I do you wont be around to see it
you think you'll find something better something new?
but no one will ever love you as much as I love you
but that wasn't enough, so don't look back,
at this man you killed, and whose love meant jack
all happiness is fleeting
you were all I had
now gone its too bad
we could have had something great, something grand,
now my body goes cold without your hand
you say you love me you tell me you care,
yet all you've done is strip me bare,
of everything I had and all I needed,
when your true love abruptly receded
and I lay, naked and broken
on shattered dreams, tears soaked,
but these tears I shed are symbolic at best,
no true tears flow for you, your just like the rest,
who love me and leave me and tear me down,
who get to believe in beauty then let me down,
beauty is a fraud, love is just lust,
everything worth while just turns to rust
and erodes my flesh and pollutes my mind,
Thanks for the sorrow babe, your too kind
but don't worry ill be back, ill try not to grieve it
but when I do you wont be around to see it
you think you'll find something better something new?
but no one will ever love you as much as I love you
but that wasn't enough, so don't look back,
at this man you killed, and whose love meant jack
Photo by Cassy Marie
Danse Macabre
October, 2007
Do you ever pray for that promotion? Hope for that new car, or wish that cute girl at Starbucks would call you back? Are you ever so consumed in what lies ahead that the present crumbles beneath your feet, leaving a trail of regrets and forsaken desires?
The Danse Macabre was an old French story and later the influence for many engravings and paintings throughout the Dark Ages. Translating to "the Dance of Death," the scene is often depicted as Death himself, leading a Pope, a King, an Old man, a monk, and a beautiful woman through the country on their way to the afterlife. It interprets as this...
It doesn't matter how old you are, how powerful you are, how beautiful you are, or how righteous you are. Death is an absolute for everyone. Yesterday, I was instructed to post security on a street corner of a busy street, alone. just me and my rifle. You have all heard on the news about suicide bombers and vehicles, I know if I was to encounter the latter speeding towards me at 50mph, I would be genuinely fucked.
They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes, yesterday my future flashed before me. a real time movie of all my hopes and dreams I would never live to see should Death invite me to his party, a sequence of decisions I would never have the chance t make, getting married, having a kid, the spoils of retirement... I love my girlfriend, but I hadn't even told her so.
That burned a deep hole inside of me, and everything I am or thought I was began to leak out of that hole. For years I have lived my life like a fairytale. waiting for the perfect time to tell my girlfriend i love her, the perfect moment to mail that letter, the right time to start working out again, the perfect time for this and the best time for that. But then I realized that those times are never guaranteed.
Yesterday Death let me be... but today My Sergeant got divorced, and I found out my dog had died. true she wasn't my wife, and true she was only a dog, but it just goes to prove that nothing is sure. you may wreck that car before its paid off, you may be paralyzed before you ever get the chance to go bungee jumping, or go blind before ever seeing the grand canyon...
the past is nothing but a plume of black smoke rising to the sky from of a candle, all your regrets and failures uselessly dripping down the waxy rod, and your future is that flickering flame dancing in the wind. no man can know or guess how long that wick will hold the light, but while you have the light...
What are you going to do?
The Danse Macabre was an old French story and later the influence for many engravings and paintings throughout the Dark Ages. Translating to "the Dance of Death," the scene is often depicted as Death himself, leading a Pope, a King, an Old man, a monk, and a beautiful woman through the country on their way to the afterlife. It interprets as this...
It doesn't matter how old you are, how powerful you are, how beautiful you are, or how righteous you are. Death is an absolute for everyone. Yesterday, I was instructed to post security on a street corner of a busy street, alone. just me and my rifle. You have all heard on the news about suicide bombers and vehicles, I know if I was to encounter the latter speeding towards me at 50mph, I would be genuinely fucked.
They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes, yesterday my future flashed before me. a real time movie of all my hopes and dreams I would never live to see should Death invite me to his party, a sequence of decisions I would never have the chance t make, getting married, having a kid, the spoils of retirement... I love my girlfriend, but I hadn't even told her so.
That burned a deep hole inside of me, and everything I am or thought I was began to leak out of that hole. For years I have lived my life like a fairytale. waiting for the perfect time to tell my girlfriend i love her, the perfect moment to mail that letter, the right time to start working out again, the perfect time for this and the best time for that. But then I realized that those times are never guaranteed.
Yesterday Death let me be... but today My Sergeant got divorced, and I found out my dog had died. true she wasn't my wife, and true she was only a dog, but it just goes to prove that nothing is sure. you may wreck that car before its paid off, you may be paralyzed before you ever get the chance to go bungee jumping, or go blind before ever seeing the grand canyon...
the past is nothing but a plume of black smoke rising to the sky from of a candle, all your regrets and failures uselessly dripping down the waxy rod, and your future is that flickering flame dancing in the wind. no man can know or guess how long that wick will hold the light, but while you have the light...
What are you going to do?
Here I Go Again
February, 2007
So I have been in the middle east for over two weeks no and have been in many an awkward situation. however, today's incident really makes you dig down deep inside yourself to find the inner strength and confidence.
After September 11th we all were confronted with an essence of mortality amongst a seemingly safe environment with oceans to the east and west. To the south we have Mexico whose inhabitants generally just come hear to take advantage of our minimum wage, (more power to them), and the non-threatening Canadians who can't even get the English language right let alone have the capacity to fight a war. Let's face it, Canada is like a loft apartment over a really happening party. But never the less we have realized that those who do pose a threat live amongst us.
I'm stationed on Camp Fallujah Iraq to "win the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people," through out the al Anbar Province. An area so infested with insurgents that the Iraqi police wear ski masks so the militants cannot recognize them and target their families. Us service members are required to burn any envelope sporting a return address from the states for them reason. However as a photographer I'm required to give full names and hometowns in my captions to raise moral back home... talk about irony.
So you really can not trust anyone here who has not spent three months of their life in a dizzying hell affectionately called Marine Corps Recruit Training. We have Iraqis working on base all over doing everything from laundry, haircuts, to technical bullshit. Some of these Iraqis we "trust" more than others. The levels of "trust" are monitored by badges they are required to wear. A red badge means the need an escort, a yellow badge means they don't need an escort but can't BE an escort, and a white badge as more freedom than the previous. So we have a wide area network we formally call the "HadjiNet." Four red badges showed up to install the HadjiNet with their escort. Then the escort left. closed down our SECRET computers and posted a Marine to watch them to make sure they wouldn't do anything shady like wire a bomb to the satellite dish, etc. They finished installing and were ready to return to their shop. I was voluntold to escort them which wasn't a problem. I've escorted hajis before but this time there were four, and I was to do this by myself which was a first. Nevertheless I didn't have a choice so I grabbed two loaded magazines and lead them outside our compound.
This is when it got weird. Three of them got in the back of a rundown BMW, while the other was coaxing me to get in. Apparently their shop was not in walking distance. This put up a red flag for me. I looked at my sergeant to speak up as I gave him a hell-fucking-no expression on my face. He didn't know what to do so he told me to get it. I would have escorted them ten miles on foot before i would ever set foot in a car with four red badge hajis that didn't speak English. However, the Marine Corps has this thing about obeying orders from a superior rank so I was shit out of luck. I got in the car daring them in my mind to try anything shifty, but when your in the front seat of a sedan, a 40 inch rifle is as useless as a water park in outer fucking space. so I took my knife and set it on my lap holding it by the grip letting the drive get a nice long look at it to let him know that if he took us off a cliff, the last thing I would do was cut out his heart. We arrived at their shop which was only about 400 hundred meters away. I was more pissed at the language barrier in that instance than I had before. Had I known I would have made them push their car to their shop. So I walked back to my shop, and bitched to my sergeant to give me a pistol next time he ever puts me in a situation like that.
This type of bullshit makes me wish I went to college.
After September 11th we all were confronted with an essence of mortality amongst a seemingly safe environment with oceans to the east and west. To the south we have Mexico whose inhabitants generally just come hear to take advantage of our minimum wage, (more power to them), and the non-threatening Canadians who can't even get the English language right let alone have the capacity to fight a war. Let's face it, Canada is like a loft apartment over a really happening party. But never the less we have realized that those who do pose a threat live amongst us.
I'm stationed on Camp Fallujah Iraq to "win the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people," through out the al Anbar Province. An area so infested with insurgents that the Iraqi police wear ski masks so the militants cannot recognize them and target their families. Us service members are required to burn any envelope sporting a return address from the states for them reason. However as a photographer I'm required to give full names and hometowns in my captions to raise moral back home... talk about irony.
So you really can not trust anyone here who has not spent three months of their life in a dizzying hell affectionately called Marine Corps Recruit Training. We have Iraqis working on base all over doing everything from laundry, haircuts, to technical bullshit. Some of these Iraqis we "trust" more than others. The levels of "trust" are monitored by badges they are required to wear. A red badge means the need an escort, a yellow badge means they don't need an escort but can't BE an escort, and a white badge as more freedom than the previous. So we have a wide area network we formally call the "HadjiNet." Four red badges showed up to install the HadjiNet with their escort. Then the escort left. closed down our SECRET computers and posted a Marine to watch them to make sure they wouldn't do anything shady like wire a bomb to the satellite dish, etc. They finished installing and were ready to return to their shop. I was voluntold to escort them which wasn't a problem. I've escorted hajis before but this time there were four, and I was to do this by myself which was a first. Nevertheless I didn't have a choice so I grabbed two loaded magazines and lead them outside our compound.
This is when it got weird. Three of them got in the back of a rundown BMW, while the other was coaxing me to get in. Apparently their shop was not in walking distance. This put up a red flag for me. I looked at my sergeant to speak up as I gave him a hell-fucking-no expression on my face. He didn't know what to do so he told me to get it. I would have escorted them ten miles on foot before i would ever set foot in a car with four red badge hajis that didn't speak English. However, the Marine Corps has this thing about obeying orders from a superior rank so I was shit out of luck. I got in the car daring them in my mind to try anything shifty, but when your in the front seat of a sedan, a 40 inch rifle is as useless as a water park in outer fucking space. so I took my knife and set it on my lap holding it by the grip letting the drive get a nice long look at it to let him know that if he took us off a cliff, the last thing I would do was cut out his heart. We arrived at their shop which was only about 400 hundred meters away. I was more pissed at the language barrier in that instance than I had before. Had I known I would have made them push their car to their shop. So I walked back to my shop, and bitched to my sergeant to give me a pistol next time he ever puts me in a situation like that.
This type of bullshit makes me wish I went to college.
Typical Day in Iraq
February, 2007
According to recent studies, it takes an average person with an average lifestyle two to four seconds to completely awake from a good night’s sleep, For a United States Marine deployed to Iraq, it takes hitting the snooze button five to seven times. Depending on what I did the previous day I'll wake up somewhere between six and seven thirty and slide my tired body out of my sleeping bag half asleep, however the rusty creaks of my bed wakes me right up. At that moment I may get ready to make the eighth of a mile walk to the showers depending on whether I took one the following night or if I REALLY need one, (I'm at war... who am I really trying to impress?). Once I complete my shower I return to my room to put on the same dirt caked desert camouflage utility uniform I've been wearing five days prior. If my roommate is awake or if I just don't care, I'll go ahead and turn on the light which flickers for about tens seconds until it finally stays on the reveal a room about the size of a small kitchen, and the two beds on either side makes it imperative that my roommate and I take turns getting dressed. The walls are donned with dozens of barely clad women and models stolen from magazines by the previous occupants to make the loneliness of deployment and heinous living conditions somewhat bearable. The glass shards from the only window in the room is duct taped over with cardboard since the marines first came in and raided the barracks which used to belong the late Saddam Hussein's personal elite forces. The window is only one of many signs there had been a conflict I see every day at this former genocide training camp. If I'm dressed first I'll go outside and smoke a cigarette while I wait for my roommate so we can walk to work together.
The other Marine and I begin the mile walk to our shop (but I'm determined to find a shortcut), passing marines, sailors, and soldiers and officers who sometimes I forget I'm not to salute in a combat environment, but it's the Corps fault for brainwashing me in boot camp so they can deal with it. Fortunately it hasn't gotten hot yet however if it’s not one thing it’s another. Between the tactical vehicles kicking up dirt and people dragging their feet when they walk, I begin to ask myself why I even bother taking a shower, apart from the only opportunity I have to sexually relieve myself. Along the way I pass little concrete structures that are strewn all over base which are used to jump into whenever I here the alarms or the word "INCOMING!" I arrive at the outer wall to my compound to a Ugandan coalition service member asking for my ID. I show it to him and he smiles and tells me to have a good day. I'm not sure if I'm an asshole or just a violent Marine but every time I just want to hit them with my rifle (which I'm required to carry everywhere) I guess because they’re always happy no matter how miserable of a day I’m having. That may be attributed to the fact that they make three times more money that I do. I suppose I should be happy for one who makes so much money because the exchange rate in his native country is so poor. At the same time however, I find it ridiculous that on a Marine base in the middle of a combat zone the only ones authorized to carry loaded weapons are third world nations. It is the illusion of safety, similar to an exit procedure placard inside an airplane flying over thirty thousand feet.
I arrive at my shop and walk into my office which is the far corner of the TIPS system which is a military prototype laboratory. It’s like an elevated tent ran by a generator equipped with computers, etc. I sit next to my roommate who heads the video section while I run the photo section. I have a feeling we are going to get sick of each other really quick, (Borat impressions are only going to be entertaining for so long). I log into the secured internet connection and play a motivational song to start out my day from the media share server here which has a whole orgy of music, movies, and TV shows, you name it has it. The great Kirk Hammet of Metallica is just about to kick off the guitar solo when a Marine arrives and invites me to have a cigarette with her. I told tell if she ever interrupted a guitar solo again I would cut out her ovaries. She is the only woman in our shop so I am forced to refer to here femininity whenever I deliver a joke or threat. She and the other Marines just came back from breakfast which my roommate and I generally skip because we'd rather sleep. After any word or announcements are passed we return to our sections. I put on another song and continue organizing the systems and archives because the previous occupant was all kinds of nasty. Sometimes I have a photo shoot to go on but when I don't, I am either editing captions or imagery from our photographers out with the infantry regiments, whom I will be joining within the next six months. My job also encompasses keeping the Public Affairs Department at bay because they are always trying to steal our imagery.
Half the day goes by and now its time to go to lunch. I grab my rifle and get ready to walk another mile to the dining facility, (DFAC). These long walks are riddled with the most random yet entertaining conversations ranging from Family Guy quotes to obscure questions like what made Polly Shore famous. Our current subject is a possible conspiracy regarding the federal government assassinating Anna Nicole smith in order to deter the minds of America from certain social and political issues. Boredom has really poisoned our minds. We arrive at the chow hall, flash our IDs to another jolly Ugandan, clear our weapons and proceed inside. The DFAC is like any other cafeteria except for the little differences that a third world country might provide, such as young Asian women serving food that give a look of complete rejection and shame if your not particularly hungry for whatever dish they may be serving, and the fact that you can get a mountain dew or a Pepsi and have no idea what the can says. I'm not racist or prejudice but Arabic just looks like someone threw up shapes and called it an alphabet. The food is generally pretty good, better than the cuisine on my home base of Camp Lejeune, North Carolina.
I return to my section and continue the same work and also training some of the other Marines in photography. Right now I'm the only photographer in the unit so when I go to the infantry regiment the other marines need to know how to do my job. Dinner rolls around and repeats the same process as described before. Upon returning, I do the same bullshit until its time to close up shop usually around 2000 or 2100, (9.00 pm). After that I hang around and do personal things like email family and friends, call home, or steal music from the media server into my mp3 player to listen to on the long walk to my home. Whenever I'm done doing whatever it is I’m doing, I close up shop and walk to my room. In pitch darkness. The stars riddle the sky black as sin, no lights around the base because of the threat of enemy mortar rounds. I arrive and use my key to unlock the new deadbolt that occupies a hole in the door from when Marines kicked it in. I collapse on my bed and have only the energy to remove my clothes in stages. It takes about ten minutes for me to be actually undressed and inside my sleeping bag, virtually just in reverse to my morning routine.
This is life in Iraq, “Groundhog’s Day” as some folks call it, waking up everyday to the same schedule and the circular frenzy of the “same day, different shit.” It seems everything about this country is cyclic, like the Desert Storm Generation before us. I am just a replica of a Babylonian, an Assyrian, a Roman, and a Brit. I am a facsimile of every soldier who fought or bled in this land. I am merely just one of many “Crusaders,” past, present, and future.
The other Marine and I begin the mile walk to our shop (but I'm determined to find a shortcut), passing marines, sailors, and soldiers and officers who sometimes I forget I'm not to salute in a combat environment, but it's the Corps fault for brainwashing me in boot camp so they can deal with it. Fortunately it hasn't gotten hot yet however if it’s not one thing it’s another. Between the tactical vehicles kicking up dirt and people dragging their feet when they walk, I begin to ask myself why I even bother taking a shower, apart from the only opportunity I have to sexually relieve myself. Along the way I pass little concrete structures that are strewn all over base which are used to jump into whenever I here the alarms or the word "INCOMING!" I arrive at the outer wall to my compound to a Ugandan coalition service member asking for my ID. I show it to him and he smiles and tells me to have a good day. I'm not sure if I'm an asshole or just a violent Marine but every time I just want to hit them with my rifle (which I'm required to carry everywhere) I guess because they’re always happy no matter how miserable of a day I’m having. That may be attributed to the fact that they make three times more money that I do. I suppose I should be happy for one who makes so much money because the exchange rate in his native country is so poor. At the same time however, I find it ridiculous that on a Marine base in the middle of a combat zone the only ones authorized to carry loaded weapons are third world nations. It is the illusion of safety, similar to an exit procedure placard inside an airplane flying over thirty thousand feet.
I arrive at my shop and walk into my office which is the far corner of the TIPS system which is a military prototype laboratory. It’s like an elevated tent ran by a generator equipped with computers, etc. I sit next to my roommate who heads the video section while I run the photo section. I have a feeling we are going to get sick of each other really quick, (Borat impressions are only going to be entertaining for so long). I log into the secured internet connection and play a motivational song to start out my day from the media share server here which has a whole orgy of music, movies, and TV shows, you name it has it. The great Kirk Hammet of Metallica is just about to kick off the guitar solo when a Marine arrives and invites me to have a cigarette with her. I told tell if she ever interrupted a guitar solo again I would cut out her ovaries. She is the only woman in our shop so I am forced to refer to here femininity whenever I deliver a joke or threat. She and the other Marines just came back from breakfast which my roommate and I generally skip because we'd rather sleep. After any word or announcements are passed we return to our sections. I put on another song and continue organizing the systems and archives because the previous occupant was all kinds of nasty. Sometimes I have a photo shoot to go on but when I don't, I am either editing captions or imagery from our photographers out with the infantry regiments, whom I will be joining within the next six months. My job also encompasses keeping the Public Affairs Department at bay because they are always trying to steal our imagery.
Half the day goes by and now its time to go to lunch. I grab my rifle and get ready to walk another mile to the dining facility, (DFAC). These long walks are riddled with the most random yet entertaining conversations ranging from Family Guy quotes to obscure questions like what made Polly Shore famous. Our current subject is a possible conspiracy regarding the federal government assassinating Anna Nicole smith in order to deter the minds of America from certain social and political issues. Boredom has really poisoned our minds. We arrive at the chow hall, flash our IDs to another jolly Ugandan, clear our weapons and proceed inside. The DFAC is like any other cafeteria except for the little differences that a third world country might provide, such as young Asian women serving food that give a look of complete rejection and shame if your not particularly hungry for whatever dish they may be serving, and the fact that you can get a mountain dew or a Pepsi and have no idea what the can says. I'm not racist or prejudice but Arabic just looks like someone threw up shapes and called it an alphabet. The food is generally pretty good, better than the cuisine on my home base of Camp Lejeune, North Carolina.
I return to my section and continue the same work and also training some of the other Marines in photography. Right now I'm the only photographer in the unit so when I go to the infantry regiment the other marines need to know how to do my job. Dinner rolls around and repeats the same process as described before. Upon returning, I do the same bullshit until its time to close up shop usually around 2000 or 2100, (9.00 pm). After that I hang around and do personal things like email family and friends, call home, or steal music from the media server into my mp3 player to listen to on the long walk to my home. Whenever I'm done doing whatever it is I’m doing, I close up shop and walk to my room. In pitch darkness. The stars riddle the sky black as sin, no lights around the base because of the threat of enemy mortar rounds. I arrive and use my key to unlock the new deadbolt that occupies a hole in the door from when Marines kicked it in. I collapse on my bed and have only the energy to remove my clothes in stages. It takes about ten minutes for me to be actually undressed and inside my sleeping bag, virtually just in reverse to my morning routine.
This is life in Iraq, “Groundhog’s Day” as some folks call it, waking up everyday to the same schedule and the circular frenzy of the “same day, different shit.” It seems everything about this country is cyclic, like the Desert Storm Generation before us. I am just a replica of a Babylonian, an Assyrian, a Roman, and a Brit. I am a facsimile of every soldier who fought or bled in this land. I am merely just one of many “Crusaders,” past, present, and future.
The Chandelier
December 14, 2005
the fixture lies in pieces
as this story slowly ceases.
where a gloomy auction leases,
the doomed Opera House's creases
to profit from the articles of stardom
and the possetions of a madman
The masked psycho that tormented this band
the fugitive from hell, and a man among the damned
the twisted metal and shattered glass
stained with blood and fears from the past
a window to the horror endured by the beautiful Christine
and the terror that plagued the Opera never before seen.
a woman so beautiful that no girl could bout
a man so evil, hell itself, spat him out
a love on one side that would never die,
a deep sorrow that would make the darkest man cry
songs sung of love, songs sung of fear,
songs so angelic, for all to hear.
now on this darkened sky day,
visitors come to shop and pray,
for those who died, and those forever tormented by Box Five's aura,
and the restless souls for the genius, the crazed, the Phantom of the Opera
the fixture lies in pieces
as this story slowly ceases.
where a gloomy auction leases,
the doomed Opera House's creases
to profit from the articles of stardom
and the possetions of a madman
The masked psycho that tormented this band
the fugitive from hell, and a man among the damned
the twisted metal and shattered glass
stained with blood and fears from the past
a window to the horror endured by the beautiful Christine
and the terror that plagued the Opera never before seen.
a woman so beautiful that no girl could bout
a man so evil, hell itself, spat him out
a love on one side that would never die,
a deep sorrow that would make the darkest man cry
songs sung of love, songs sung of fear,
songs so angelic, for all to hear.
now on this darkened sky day,
visitors come to shop and pray,
for those who died, and those forever tormented by Box Five's aura,
and the restless souls for the genius, the crazed, the Phantom of the Opera
My Last Day
December 3, 2005 (the day before I left for Marine Corps Boot Camp)
this is my last day of freedom, my last day of grace
this will be the last time i wash and shave a free man's face.
I'm going to work for my country to protect her from ill
I'm going to learn how to shoot and defend the hill
this is my last day of thinking, my last day of wondering,
this will be the last time I have the fear of mistakes and blundering,
they will train me to do things like soldier would do
I will learn to listen and do what I'm told to.
this will be the last time I take my country for granted,
this will be the last time I'll walk the streets undaunted
ill be a killing machine, moving swift without no lag,
ill cry when I hear the Hymn, ill get choked up when I see the Flag,
I'll mourn the dead like my own fallen brothers,
I'll defend the land and seas like a thousand mothers,
this is the last time ill kiss my sweetheart as a child
ill return home a man and hold her with tender and mild
when I return, I'll fight with the strength of seven
but until then they must send me to hell before I can see heaven.
this is my last day of freedom, my last day of grace
this will be the last time i wash and shave a free man's face.
I'm going to work for my country to protect her from ill
I'm going to learn how to shoot and defend the hill
this is my last day of thinking, my last day of wondering,
this will be the last time I have the fear of mistakes and blundering,
they will train me to do things like soldier would do
I will learn to listen and do what I'm told to.
this will be the last time I take my country for granted,
this will be the last time I'll walk the streets undaunted
ill be a killing machine, moving swift without no lag,
ill cry when I hear the Hymn, ill get choked up when I see the Flag,
I'll mourn the dead like my own fallen brothers,
I'll defend the land and seas like a thousand mothers,
this is the last time ill kiss my sweetheart as a child
ill return home a man and hold her with tender and mild
when I return, I'll fight with the strength of seven
but until then they must send me to hell before I can see heaven.
Sanctuary
July 13, 2005
across darkened skies, through many half wives
I travelled through a thousand lives
to hope for peace
and tame this beast
to control myself for goodness sakes
and give away my heart so it never breaks
to be cradled in the soft hands of a pretty maiden
whose eyes are still, her heart true, built by angels aiden
I search heaven and earth and hell below
until I found her there on queen Mary's bow
clad in the finest of grace and beauty
donning a halo of innocence and purity
standing before her now tainted and black
scorched from a thousand sins my heart begins to crack
falling to the rustic deck to break and shatter
she reaches down her heavenly palm to stop the latter
she kisses my splintered heart and holds it to her chest
she extends out her own flawless heart from her angelic breast
offering me a whole new heart, for my old pump
receiving her innocent piece for my old dump
I embrace her body, carved from the finest stone
kissing her cheek, to hope she'll never leave me lone
kneeling before her, I thank her for this new life
pressing my tear stained face against my new wife
across darkened skies, through many half wives
I travelled through a thousand lives
to hope for peace
and tame this beast
to control myself for goodness sakes
and give away my heart so it never breaks
to be cradled in the soft hands of a pretty maiden
whose eyes are still, her heart true, built by angels aiden
I search heaven and earth and hell below
until I found her there on queen Mary's bow
clad in the finest of grace and beauty
donning a halo of innocence and purity
standing before her now tainted and black
scorched from a thousand sins my heart begins to crack
falling to the rustic deck to break and shatter
she reaches down her heavenly palm to stop the latter
she kisses my splintered heart and holds it to her chest
she extends out her own flawless heart from her angelic breast
offering me a whole new heart, for my old pump
receiving her innocent piece for my old dump
I embrace her body, carved from the finest stone
kissing her cheek, to hope she'll never leave me lone
kneeling before her, I thank her for this new life
pressing my tear stained face against my new wife
Untitled
June 30, 2005
darkness falls across the land
as death and pain is close at hand
a fiery tongue spreads hate and lies
comes my way as passion flees and dies
sending me to disarray
disallusioned, no future stay
no chance, nor vision,
no love for provision.
just evil's tangled web to catch
me and my stuggles to fetch
and though i love that which i am fleeting,
i cannot stay to harbor another beating
as it tears away my flesh from bone,
i prayerfully wish it leave me lone
as it follows me wherever i am
satan incarnate, now i'm damned
to groom the scales of evil and hate
and humor the will of a horned ingrate
and be threatened by those eyes of brimstone and sulfur
a beast that would make cower the dark lord Lucifer
every breath yearns to scold
and movement to destroy the bold
as it whips away my last ounce of life
and grotesque talons shears me like a knife
and leaves me to rot for fifty years, in bitterness and pain
this gruesome beast, who's purpose to scorn me again and again
darkness falls across the land
as death and pain is close at hand
a fiery tongue spreads hate and lies
comes my way as passion flees and dies
sending me to disarray
disallusioned, no future stay
no chance, nor vision,
no love for provision.
just evil's tangled web to catch
me and my stuggles to fetch
and though i love that which i am fleeting,
i cannot stay to harbor another beating
as it tears away my flesh from bone,
i prayerfully wish it leave me lone
as it follows me wherever i am
satan incarnate, now i'm damned
to groom the scales of evil and hate
and humor the will of a horned ingrate
and be threatened by those eyes of brimstone and sulfur
a beast that would make cower the dark lord Lucifer
every breath yearns to scold
and movement to destroy the bold
as it whips away my last ounce of life
and grotesque talons shears me like a knife
and leaves me to rot for fifty years, in bitterness and pain
this gruesome beast, who's purpose to scorn me again and again
Fairhaven and My Angel
June 16, 2005
June 16, 2005
the clouds of cigarette smoke fills the air,
parading behind me as I begin to stare
into the creaky wilderness of the night.
exhuming my courage from my cold fright
inhaling the ash my face glows red
as I wander through the maze where people died and bled
each step sinking into the mulchen soil
where people till, sweat and toil
on the grounds above the bodies of many
in rows and lines to fit so plenty.
my coat wisps through the thin fog layer,
stepping over suicides, or a victim of a heartless slayer.
here I find my peace in a dark, grim cemetery,
waltzing across ancient corpi likes death's own secretary.
shrouded in a dark hood of daze and confusion
hoping for a release to escape emotional combustion.
alone with the dead i seek and pray,
hoping to god for tomorrow a better day,
kneeling on the grave of Gods servant to find a way,
for a reason not to quit, and a reason to stay,
crying against a cross shaped stone,
I beg the heavens not to leave me alone
with the gifts beset before me,
the crowns that God adorned me,
asking why he didn't deform me,
or at least at the beginning forewarn me,
that He would send me a woman, more beautiful than words,
a maiden with a gaze, sharper than a thousand swords,
to have and to hold till death do us part,
or time picks us up and tears us apart,
as i struggle to hang on to whom i love
whose been cherished by God above,
whose more graceful than any saintly dove,
and everyday in everyway shows me how to love,
on this night i sulk and wander,
in this place i used to ponder
about where'd id go and what I'd be,
I sit and feel a peace empower me,
bathing in the solitude of the night,
over a thousand bodies locked in tight
wrapped forever in their coffins of hickory wood
like me and my angel, to love each other as we should.
Rachel
May 25, 2005
stumbling in the darkness I long for release,
to be free of pain, and life's grimey grease,
walking along the lonely road of death,
recitations of a suicide note upon my breath.
headlights in the distance light my lonely path
hoping for a stranger to stop and safe me from my hopeless wrath
wishing for a reason, maybe one, maybe two
to keep me from doing what I've come here to do.
leaning over the rails of a bridge in the night,
looking at the blackness as the cold chills my fright.
as a in the sparkled sky I see rays from a shimmering light,
I feel a presence around me, so fair and so light.
as I watch my tears fall into the river,
it begins to rain as I stand and shiver,
drying the sadness off my shoulders,
I turn and see the drops tumbling like boulders,
down her cheeks and onto my skin,
I see the sadness in her as my sorrow grows thin.
I see the world in her sad green eyes,
reflections of my pain and the indigo skies.
my pain and strife falls from me into the sea,
embracing her tightly, wondering how she could love me.
looking up to God and asking him why,
why he would send me an angel from on high?
to share with me the life I hated
and soften my heart that's long been jaded.
how he gave me the strength to love this beautiful angel who I adore
who would hold me as I lay broken, and bleeding upon the floor.
her soft hand to painlessly remove the shards of broken dreams from my soul.
and teach me ways to love and feel, to plug up forever my sorrowful hole.
never have I loved, such a woman, it seems
in all my life, and in all my dreams,
but the fear that grows inside of me,
is the thought of illusions of remedy,
my mind creating a perfect creature of beauty and grace,
that would make me eternally docile when she touches my face,
could this be my life begin to unleaven?
or could this be an angel, and this be heaven?
stumbling in the darkness I long for release,
to be free of pain, and life's grimey grease,
walking along the lonely road of death,
recitations of a suicide note upon my breath.
headlights in the distance light my lonely path
hoping for a stranger to stop and safe me from my hopeless wrath
wishing for a reason, maybe one, maybe two
to keep me from doing what I've come here to do.
leaning over the rails of a bridge in the night,
looking at the blackness as the cold chills my fright.
as a in the sparkled sky I see rays from a shimmering light,
I feel a presence around me, so fair and so light.
as I watch my tears fall into the river,
it begins to rain as I stand and shiver,
drying the sadness off my shoulders,
I turn and see the drops tumbling like boulders,
down her cheeks and onto my skin,
I see the sadness in her as my sorrow grows thin.
I see the world in her sad green eyes,
reflections of my pain and the indigo skies.
my pain and strife falls from me into the sea,
embracing her tightly, wondering how she could love me.
looking up to God and asking him why,
why he would send me an angel from on high?
to share with me the life I hated
and soften my heart that's long been jaded.
how he gave me the strength to love this beautiful angel who I adore
who would hold me as I lay broken, and bleeding upon the floor.
her soft hand to painlessly remove the shards of broken dreams from my soul.
and teach me ways to love and feel, to plug up forever my sorrowful hole.
never have I loved, such a woman, it seems
in all my life, and in all my dreams,
but the fear that grows inside of me,
is the thought of illusions of remedy,
my mind creating a perfect creature of beauty and grace,
that would make me eternally docile when she touches my face,
could this be my life begin to unleaven?
or could this be an angel, and this be heaven?
MY little angel
May 25, 2005
a shadow dance across darkened seas
bowing before you on bended knees
her milky skin and shimmering strands of blonde
are the same as the days when I first grew fond
of those emerald green eyes, and curving hips
and the way you breathe when I kiss your soft lips.
as you taste my wind and inhale my soul
the dark cloud from writhing my black hole
which is my heart, and how it longs for you
hoping that our love, in a world of lies, is true
that love that captured this wretch, this snake,
praying to a god, that you don't see your mistake
how you deserve better, how you deserve more,
how your angelic beauty pierces me down to my core.
my veins pump battery acid before your gorgeous gaze
wondering if you'll be the one to share the rest of my days
the room's air intoxicated by your skins sweet scent
inhaling the fragrance of the maiden by heavens sent
forcing its way through my thin body, my arms and legs like decaying minarets
through my dark heart and blackened lungs, scorched forever from a thousand cigarettes
feeling your saintly aroma i rise to you,
as the scent rebuilds me, making me new
new to walk with you forever and ever again
in your grace, my goddess, my queen, my eternal friend
a shadow dance across darkened seas
bowing before you on bended knees
her milky skin and shimmering strands of blonde
are the same as the days when I first grew fond
of those emerald green eyes, and curving hips
and the way you breathe when I kiss your soft lips.
as you taste my wind and inhale my soul
the dark cloud from writhing my black hole
which is my heart, and how it longs for you
hoping that our love, in a world of lies, is true
that love that captured this wretch, this snake,
praying to a god, that you don't see your mistake
how you deserve better, how you deserve more,
how your angelic beauty pierces me down to my core.
my veins pump battery acid before your gorgeous gaze
wondering if you'll be the one to share the rest of my days
the room's air intoxicated by your skins sweet scent
inhaling the fragrance of the maiden by heavens sent
forcing its way through my thin body, my arms and legs like decaying minarets
through my dark heart and blackened lungs, scorched forever from a thousand cigarettes
feeling your saintly aroma i rise to you,
as the scent rebuilds me, making me new
new to walk with you forever and ever again
in your grace, my goddess, my queen, my eternal friend
A translation of the Rammstein song "Engel," modified by myself to rhyme in english. Written May 24th, 2005
Angel
Live in virtue, no desire
In the grave an angel's choir
You look to heaven and wonder why
No one can see them in the sky
Just as the clouds have gone to sleep
Angels can be seen in heaven's keep
Alone in fear they question why
Goddamn not an angel when I die
Angels live, they never die
Apart from us, behind the sky
They're fading souls who've turned to ice
So ashen white in paradise
Just as the clouds have gone to sleep
Angels can be seen in heaven's keep
Alone in fear they question why
Heaven is just hell in the sky
Angel
Live in virtue, no desire
In the grave an angel's choir
You look to heaven and wonder why
No one can see them in the sky
Just as the clouds have gone to sleep
Angels can be seen in heaven's keep
Alone in fear they question why
Goddamn not an angel when I die
Angels live, they never die
Apart from us, behind the sky
They're fading souls who've turned to ice
So ashen white in paradise
Just as the clouds have gone to sleep
Angels can be seen in heaven's keep
Alone in fear they question why
Heaven is just hell in the sky
the Cross
May 14, 2005
floating on a distant dream
building my life, seem by seem
loosing faith more and more
crashing down to the floor
my life flares up and slowly embers,
searching for hope, my heart remembers
the man who loved me enough
to take a beating so rough
and wash me in his blood,
as it gushed out like a mortal flood
sprayed across the roman faces,
and trailed around the jerusalem places
and streaming back downto me in new turns
begging for me as my last cigarette burns
on my knees before the crown,
streaming tears flow down and down
i see the man, i see the life, my sin
my savior, my god, my joy within
confused, perplexed, about what's to be
but awaiting the the joy for all eternity
floating on a distant dream
building my life, seem by seem
loosing faith more and more
crashing down to the floor
my life flares up and slowly embers,
searching for hope, my heart remembers
the man who loved me enough
to take a beating so rough
and wash me in his blood,
as it gushed out like a mortal flood
sprayed across the roman faces,
and trailed around the jerusalem places
and streaming back downto me in new turns
begging for me as my last cigarette burns
on my knees before the crown,
streaming tears flow down and down
i see the man, i see the life, my sin
my savior, my god, my joy within
confused, perplexed, about what's to be
but awaiting the the joy for all eternity
Crimson Skies
May 11, 2005
breaking away from the thought that remains the same
taking away my cursed guilt and my darkest shame
to blind my heart and seize my soul
the blackest dreams of days gone old
long buried, forgotten and sold
for 30 pieces of silver, and the touch of gold
for everything I love will dry up and cleave
and those who love me I hurt and leave
to search for something that isn't there
rays of sun in her shimmering hair,
moonlight streaming her lips and eyes
her skin, the texture of clouds in the skies,
the perfect woman for a lonely man
cannot be found in all the land,
as darkness looms in the garden of life
as I search with toil and endless strife,
making a deal with death for time
to find future for me to call mine,
as six shrouded men with a cross help high
comes to wash my sins away as my death draws nigh
I look at my life, my soul, my past
only to see a wasted man, as I take my last
request to find beauty, as I view a simple rose,
sprouting from the blood drenched ground and hold it to my nose,
as I lay dying with the scent of a thousand angels to fly,
me to my rest, for eternity, in the deep red sky
breaking away from the thought that remains the same
taking away my cursed guilt and my darkest shame
to blind my heart and seize my soul
the blackest dreams of days gone old
long buried, forgotten and sold
for 30 pieces of silver, and the touch of gold
for everything I love will dry up and cleave
and those who love me I hurt and leave
to search for something that isn't there
rays of sun in her shimmering hair,
moonlight streaming her lips and eyes
her skin, the texture of clouds in the skies,
the perfect woman for a lonely man
cannot be found in all the land,
as darkness looms in the garden of life
as I search with toil and endless strife,
making a deal with death for time
to find future for me to call mine,
as six shrouded men with a cross help high
comes to wash my sins away as my death draws nigh
I look at my life, my soul, my past
only to see a wasted man, as I take my last
request to find beauty, as I view a simple rose,
sprouting from the blood drenched ground and hold it to my nose,
as I lay dying with the scent of a thousand angels to fly,
me to my rest, for eternity, in the deep red sky
Photo by Cassy Marie
No One Knows
May 5th, 2005
breaking away from the thought that remains the same
taking away my cursed guilt and my darkest shame
to blind my heart and seize my soul
the blackest dreams of days gone old
long buried, forgotten and sold
for 30 pieces of silver, and the touch of gold
for everything i love will dry up and cleave
and those who love me i hurt and leave
to search for something that isn't there
rays of sun in her shimmering hair,
moonlight streaming her lips and eyes
her skin, the texture of clouds in the skies,
the perfect woman for a lonely man
cannot be found in all the land,
as darkness looms in the garden of life
as I search with toil and endless strife,
making a deal with death for time
to find future for me to call mine,
as six shrouded men with a cross help high
comes to wash my sins away as my death draws nigh
I look at my life, my soul, my past
only to see a wasted man, as I take my last
request to find beauty, as I view a simple rose,
sprouting from the blood drenched ground and hold it to my nose,
as I lay dying with the scent of a thousand angels to fly,
me to my rest, for eternity, in the deep red sky
breaking away from the thought that remains the same
taking away my cursed guilt and my darkest shame
to blind my heart and seize my soul
the blackest dreams of days gone old
long buried, forgotten and sold
for 30 pieces of silver, and the touch of gold
for everything i love will dry up and cleave
and those who love me i hurt and leave
to search for something that isn't there
rays of sun in her shimmering hair,
moonlight streaming her lips and eyes
her skin, the texture of clouds in the skies,
the perfect woman for a lonely man
cannot be found in all the land,
as darkness looms in the garden of life
as I search with toil and endless strife,
making a deal with death for time
to find future for me to call mine,
as six shrouded men with a cross help high
comes to wash my sins away as my death draws nigh
I look at my life, my soul, my past
only to see a wasted man, as I take my last
request to find beauty, as I view a simple rose,
sprouting from the blood drenched ground and hold it to my nose,
as I lay dying with the scent of a thousand angels to fly,
me to my rest, for eternity, in the deep red sky
In the Moment
April 25, 2005
swollen heart, sunk so deep,
stinging eyes from lack of sleep,
pondering slowly, poisons seep,
and crown me "king of demons creep"
searching the earthly hearts that weep
burning hot on hell's ashy heap,
cowering before a stranger"s keep,
and blindly taking that faithful leap.
wishing to ask the Man up the stair,
for peace and love so rich and fair,
for a painless life for me to share
with a gruesome death for me to bear,
as curdling blood flows in the air,
to sicken my soul from this mortal dare
and steal my sadness in Death's great care
leaving behind no trace that i once was there,
in the place where demons peep,
and fires of sins, burn and reap.
swollen heart, sunk so deep,
stinging eyes from lack of sleep,
pondering slowly, poisons seep,
and crown me "king of demons creep"
searching the earthly hearts that weep
burning hot on hell's ashy heap,
cowering before a stranger"s keep,
and blindly taking that faithful leap.
wishing to ask the Man up the stair,
for peace and love so rich and fair,
for a painless life for me to share
with a gruesome death for me to bear,
as curdling blood flows in the air,
to sicken my soul from this mortal dare
and steal my sadness in Death's great care
leaving behind no trace that i once was there,
in the place where demons peep,
and fires of sins, burn and reap.
Photo by Cassy Marie
to Jonny-
March 2, 2005
O! Such power and such might in your tiny body
Fades into a blackened casket in the soil so muddy
Tears of pain and sadness display our sorrow
Accepting your absence in the morrow
Your joyful laughs and hearty smiles
My coldness towards you now defiles
As you died slowly never knowing
How my love for you was growing
Never caring about what we thought
Of your frail body at birth you got
But taking the time to praise and sing
To God sweet joy for us to bring
We watched how you lived and how you died
Seeing the love of Christ buried deep inside
Your heart which plagued and failed you
Our taunts that belittled and railed you
Testing your faith, your love, your peace
And now that you're gone we fall to our knees
Praying for redemption and something to say
For you, forever, we will cry, we will pray
O! Such power and such might in your tiny body
Fades into a blackened casket in the soil so muddy
Tears of pain and sadness display our sorrow
Accepting your absence in the morrow
Your joyful laughs and hearty smiles
My coldness towards you now defiles
As you died slowly never knowing
How my love for you was growing
Never caring about what we thought
Of your frail body at birth you got
But taking the time to praise and sing
To God sweet joy for us to bring
We watched how you lived and how you died
Seeing the love of Christ buried deep inside
Your heart which plagued and failed you
Our taunts that belittled and railed you
Testing your faith, your love, your peace
And now that you're gone we fall to our knees
Praying for redemption and something to say
For you, forever, we will cry, we will pray
Alone
Jan 18, 2005
Here I lie, forever and ever and ever, forever,
In this heaping mass I struggle and quiver.
For one more stirring breath before I die,
To young to die, too broken to live, I cry.
Hating every minute I’m awake,
Praying to God for my soul to take
My only friend, the world’s foe,
Slips in through my open window
My friend in the darkest pits of my life,
And lights the darkness with the shine of his knife
Then shuttered by stains of crimson red,
When he stabs me through my beaten head.
Teary filled eyes grow cold and gaunt,
I lay thrilled as dark forces haunt
And dance around as shadows by my door,
Merrily as my blood coagulates upon the floor,
Have come to take me up and away,
From this hell of a world in which I stay
The spirits take me up to the top,
Of a world of whose evilness would never stop
While a tale of blood stretched form the ground, spans the skies,
Followed me, connecting me to my rotting corpse, on earth it lies,
But not my place, nor time of death,
As they release me I take one more breath
As a fall back to earth through my rainbow of blood,
Crashing to the ground, to my body, bleeding like a flood
As I return to my body, I gasp for air,
Feeling the sting, my attacker still standing there
Robs me of my wallet and runs out the door,
Leaving his knife, never to be seen again for evermore.
For one more stirring breath before I die,
To young to die, too broken to live, I cry.
Here I lie, forever and ever and ever, forever,
In this heaping mass I struggle and quiver.
For one more stirring breath before I die,
To young to die, too broken to live, I cry.
Hating every minute I’m awake,
Praying to God for my soul to take
My only friend, the world’s foe,
Slips in through my open window
My friend in the darkest pits of my life,
And lights the darkness with the shine of his knife
Then shuttered by stains of crimson red,
When he stabs me through my beaten head.
Teary filled eyes grow cold and gaunt,
I lay thrilled as dark forces haunt
And dance around as shadows by my door,
Merrily as my blood coagulates upon the floor,
Have come to take me up and away,
From this hell of a world in which I stay
The spirits take me up to the top,
Of a world of whose evilness would never stop
While a tale of blood stretched form the ground, spans the skies,
Followed me, connecting me to my rotting corpse, on earth it lies,
But not my place, nor time of death,
As they release me I take one more breath
As a fall back to earth through my rainbow of blood,
Crashing to the ground, to my body, bleeding like a flood
As I return to my body, I gasp for air,
Feeling the sting, my attacker still standing there
Robs me of my wallet and runs out the door,
Leaving his knife, never to be seen again for evermore.
For one more stirring breath before I die,
To young to die, too broken to live, I cry.
The Blind God of Winter
January 15, 2005
The dark snake of truth slithers down my spine,
Eats away my flesh for my soul to bind.
Robs me of my joy, my heart, my time,
It tells me I’m lost, and every act a crime
On this night I cry and quiver,
Of each passing moment, I shriek and shiver.
With earnest I seek the Blind God of Winter
To rip away the sorrow, the pain, the splinter,
Of the dark, depraved truth that calls,
As I scream with each tear that falls.
How I long to see things through his blind eyes,
Yet never view the beauty of the stars or each sun rise,
But only the colors of each man’s soul
And the beauty with in each heart, I’m told,
That he feels no pain, from betrayal’s sorrow,
Because he foresees every man’s sin of tomorrow
And gently laughs, but never to weep,
Of their attempts to poison the weak.
He never falls victim to man’s wicked folly,
For he foils each plot so merry and jolly.
In love, not hate the Blind God of Winter rests,
Neither by the Devil cursed, nor God Almighty blessed,
He is his own dream, his own vision indeed,
However, only an eclipse of fairytale and lies is he.
I can never see the world through his blind eyes,
Nor steal his wings, on which he flies,
But struck down by reality,
My hopes and desires, a mere formality,
As I must detach myself from these childlike whimsies
And stop blinding myself with empty promises and fantasies
And realize I’m trapped in a world of greed and hate,
And on this desolate rock, come to love and embrace my fate.
The dark snake of truth slithers down my spine,
Eats away my flesh for my soul to bind.
Robs me of my joy, my heart, my time,
It tells me I’m lost, and every act a crime
On this night I cry and quiver,
Of each passing moment, I shriek and shiver.
With earnest I seek the Blind God of Winter
To rip away the sorrow, the pain, the splinter,
Of the dark, depraved truth that calls,
As I scream with each tear that falls.
How I long to see things through his blind eyes,
Yet never view the beauty of the stars or each sun rise,
But only the colors of each man’s soul
And the beauty with in each heart, I’m told,
That he feels no pain, from betrayal’s sorrow,
Because he foresees every man’s sin of tomorrow
And gently laughs, but never to weep,
Of their attempts to poison the weak.
He never falls victim to man’s wicked folly,
For he foils each plot so merry and jolly.
In love, not hate the Blind God of Winter rests,
Neither by the Devil cursed, nor God Almighty blessed,
He is his own dream, his own vision indeed,
However, only an eclipse of fairytale and lies is he.
I can never see the world through his blind eyes,
Nor steal his wings, on which he flies,
But struck down by reality,
My hopes and desires, a mere formality,
As I must detach myself from these childlike whimsies
And stop blinding myself with empty promises and fantasies
And realize I’m trapped in a world of greed and hate,
And on this desolate rock, come to love and embrace my fate.
For Ece-
November 2, 2004
I am a wretched wasteland of poverty,
Poor and named I stand before her sovereignty.
Below her now on bended knee,
Thirsting for her love here sweetly.
Dying everyday I’m not with you,
Dreaming of past days I go into,
A dark frenzy of a future that lies,
In suffering in the endless skies.
Wishing upon a star to one day see,
And feel your lips, your touch, kindly.
Long ago we shared a time of joy and peace,
Tranquility sang its song their in ease.
But all that is gone and nowadays,
I cry out in a daze and a black craze,
That once again I see you near,
And whisper sweet words in your perfect ear.
Desiring that my love will bring you near,
And warm my frozen heart, and dry my silken tear.
No matter how hard I try I cannot be,
The man I once was before your return to Turkey,
Once a distant land, but brought so near,
After meeting you it became so clear.
That life with out you is a black hole,
Sucking away my life, my joy, my soul.
All the memories I have I hold on to,
And the many still pictures I cherish of you,
I pray to Jesus, to Allah, and to all profound,
I cry from the mountains for love to abound,
In my life, and steal away these haunting,
Ghosts of weakness, jeering, taunting,
I burn ablaze with candles lit for everyday I’m not with you,
And suffer deeply when you appear to me in the Crescent Moon,
On those lonely night when I lie awake in bed,
Those thought and memories of you echo through my head.
When I close my eyes I see your face,
When I shed a tear, it’s for your embrace.
I am a wretched wasteland of poverty,
Poor and named I stand before her sovereignty.
Below her now on bended knee,
Thirsting for her love here sweetly.
Dying everyday I’m not with you,
Dreaming of past days I go into,
A dark frenzy of a future that lies,
In suffering in the endless skies.
Wishing upon a star to one day see,
And feel your lips, your touch, kindly.
Long ago we shared a time of joy and peace,
Tranquility sang its song their in ease.
But all that is gone and nowadays,
I cry out in a daze and a black craze,
That once again I see you near,
And whisper sweet words in your perfect ear.
Desiring that my love will bring you near,
And warm my frozen heart, and dry my silken tear.
No matter how hard I try I cannot be,
The man I once was before your return to Turkey,
Once a distant land, but brought so near,
After meeting you it became so clear.
That life with out you is a black hole,
Sucking away my life, my joy, my soul.
All the memories I have I hold on to,
And the many still pictures I cherish of you,
I pray to Jesus, to Allah, and to all profound,
I cry from the mountains for love to abound,
In my life, and steal away these haunting,
Ghosts of weakness, jeering, taunting,
I burn ablaze with candles lit for everyday I’m not with you,
And suffer deeply when you appear to me in the Crescent Moon,
On those lonely night when I lie awake in bed,
Those thought and memories of you echo through my head.
When I close my eyes I see your face,
When I shed a tear, it’s for your embrace.
